Talk:Two Birds/@comment-17759525-20170626132427
commenting contest, tier 1- …Interesting format for this story. I was so confused at first, the page looked so short until I noticed the tabs ahah PROLOGUE Your descriptions here are /so good/. The kits sound so cute and I just want to hug them ahhh Talonkit seems like such a mature little kit. Poor thing, though – it seems like she’s gonna have to take care of her brother now, since their mother is dead. (…I had to smile at “wobbly little legs” in the middle of a serious scene.) “crunchingg” is a typo Ahhh no don’t take the kits D: Protect themmm !! You’re setting up quite a scene here – I’m curious. I hope they’re gonna be okay :c CHAPTER ONE Well, PebbleClan sounds harmless enough, just judging by the name. But maybe that’s intentional… (saying “his/her new Clanmates” twice in two sentences seems a bit redundant) Aw, Creekkit’s such a precious little klutz. And Mountainpaw needs to learn a bit of patience if he ever wants to be a mentor, haha. Man, these are vicious little kits O.o it’s a really well-written scene, though; gives a good idea of everybody’s personalities all at once. One thing I’m noticing now, though – if they were loner kits before this, then why did they have their ’kit names in the prologue ??? I just hope Creekkit will be okay… CHAPTER TWO Why is he in a separate nest? D: I don’t get it, he’s trying so hard to be good… I wonder what Falconpaw’s up to here… it doesn’t make sense that he’d suddenly be so nice to them. Kudos to Talonkit for not going along with his plot. “queit” is also a typo Talonkit is so suspicious of everybody. I mean, to some extent she has good reason, but Stonepaw didn’t strike me as the type of cat who would be mean to them. And blaming others for her paranoia… not good :\ What the heck is wrong with this kit??? CHAPTER THREE (I appreciate that you’re skipping all the ceremonies here. They can be so tedious ahah) I assume the lie Creekpaw’s talking about is with Talonkit and the spider? How’d he know she was lying though? I’m glad to see that Creekpaw’s doing well, though. Poor guy needs a break from all the teasing and stuff. (“it’s back to him” --> “its back to him”) I admit I was a bit confused with “the snake thing”, since the descriptions sounded like a dog. that was resolved later on though so I guess it works (/lots/ more times where “it’s” should be “its”, and “direction” and “frantically” are spelled wrong) Wisppaw and Stonepaw are older apprentices, so I’m not quite sure why they’re relying on Creekpaw to save them here. Wouldn’t the two of them stand a better chance than he would? …It’s an interesting scene. It feels a bit too drawn out, though – though maybe that’s just me? It’s so much longer than the other chapters, and it feels like it could be condensed a bit. Maybe not, though… I’m kinda surprised Talonpaw wasn’t out with the group looking for him… But yay, he’s finally being accepted by the Clan! So funny that he doesn’t know how to respond to the she-cats, haha. But then, this will probably hurt Talonpaw, if he doesn’t need to rely on her anymore… --- I can update this later with the remaining chapters, if you want me to. But hey, it’s a great start! Your character development is pretty solid, your descriptions are generally pretty good, and it’s a really interesting story. There are some errors in grammar and spelling that could be fixed, but for the most part your writing is solid as well. Great job so far ^.^